It's decided. We are not using an Adoption Agency or an Adoption Facilitator. Instead, we've gotten an Attorney. We are a few more steps closer to being paper pregnant!
The Attorney.
Tonight we talked for 45 minutes with our Attorney in Arkansas who will be handling our adoption.
It went so well! He is an Ivy-leaguer so probably doesn't have to handle adoptions to have a successful practice. He could have stayed in the northeast with big-name clients and powerful firm partners. But he lives and practices in rural Arkansas, helping the hurting and desperate. He is an adoptive parent himself and I could tell creating adoptive relationships are dear to his heart.
He explained the process, the progress, the paperwork, the costs, the travel, the timeline, the hearings - - you name it. He was very polite and about the "business" of it all. But when discussing the birth moms, he was particularly compassionate. I could tell his goal is a mutually beneficial arrangement: one best for both the birth mom, the adoptive parent, and the child. So I knew we wanted to use his services. He already has birth moms available!
Open Adoption.
When we first read about open adoption years ago, I was terrified. I thought it meant visitation rights, co-parenting, etc. I thought I would be raising a child whose birth mom would be "interfering" with our new family: sometimes wanting to come for holidays, sometimes not. That the child would hope for a birthday card then not get it. Or that the birth mom would want me to "ask permission" for things or be critical of my parenting. It was scary to think we've been waiting to have a child for a decade and would not have total "control" over our family dynamic.
But, as I have read more books, blogs and articles about open adoption, I've come to realize it is not like that at all. There are boundaries. There are rules. And its all included in the contract. I'm not saying its always perfect, but I do think its worth a try.
I'm No Psychologist, But...
Here are some ways I think open adoption would be beneficial for our child:
- There would be no "secrecy" about where they come from. (The child's adoption day will be celebrated - - why would we keep that a secret?? In more typical adoptions, the birth mom can choose to be anonymous. This could lead to many, many questions later.)
- There will be open communication about where they come from (Not waiting until they are adults to tell them they were adopted.)
- There will be no/less "shame" that they were "abandoned" or "unwanted" (I've read alot of case studies that this is one of the most difficult issues to deal with in adulthood when you have a greater capacity to wonder "why").
- There are more people in the child's life for love, support and prayer
- Some Cultural ties will remain (important for transracial adoption, as we are doing)
- The birth mom would have more security in knowing they will still see their sweet baby grow up and feel good about the decision they made (I'm speculating here - - I'm not a mother, but I would imagine if I was a birth mom in a similar situation, I would prefer an open adoption to remind me that I did the best thing for my child).
- The birth mom would be unlikely to change her mind at birth. (This may seem selfish, but it does happen. Of course, they have EVERY right to change their minds, but once you enter into a legal agreement/contract with an Adoptive Couple, where they have spent months preparing and years saving money, its so devastating to have that ground yanked from underneath. Therefore, I think if the birth mom knows going into the contract that it is an open adoption, and she will still have contact with the adoptive family, then I believe she would be more likely to follow through with the adoption.)
Open Adoption in Arkansas.
Our adoption will be finalized in a court hearing in Arkansas. The funny thing is, the state of Arkansas doesn't recognize open adoption. So there is no way, even when included in a legal document, that the state of Arkansas will enforce open adoption. However, our Attorney eluded that the open adoption relationship is based on trust. For some, its just an agreement to be "friends" on Facebook or letters and photographs. To others, it may be annual visits, holiday gatherings, or Skype calls.
At this point, I have no idea to which degree our adoption will be "open" but I look forward to discussing it with our birth mom and creating a relationship that is the healthiest for our child.
- jennifer